Whatever it is, I’m against it.
GROUCHO MARXAge is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Time wounds all heels.
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
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She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
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Humour is reason gone mad.
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX