One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
GROUCHO MARXMy mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
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All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.
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Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
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I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX