Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.
GROUCHO MARXAnything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
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Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
GROUCHO MARX