“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy

Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Time wounds all heels.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

The history of the world is the history of a few men who had faith in themselves.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I’m not funny. What I am is brave.

There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up everytime.

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.