One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
GROUCHO MARXDo you mind if I don’t smoke?
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX -
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
GROUCHO MARX -
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX -
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX -
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
GROUCHO MARX -
We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
GROUCHO MARX -
Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
GROUCHO MARX -
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX -
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX -
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
GROUCHO MARX -
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX -
Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
GROUCHO MARX -
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX -
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
GROUCHO MARX -
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX -
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX -
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX -
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX -
Room service? Send up a larger room.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX -
Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
GROUCHO MARX -
Any place I hang my head is home.
GROUCHO MARX