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Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

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Funny Humour Mind Smoking

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
GROUCHO MARX

Bad Day Evening Wonderful
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX

Best Friend Friendship Funny Goodness Jail Try
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX

Crazy Decent Life Meal Place Reality
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
GROUCHO MARX

Freedom Money Thinking
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
GROUCHO MARX

Bore Hole Insult Run
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX

Children Fetch Funny Understand
Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
GROUCHO MARX

Book Education Reading Television
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX

Best Friend Deep Failure One Liner Unhappy
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX

Cause Chief Divorce Marriage One Liner
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Hospital Humour Parked Run Taxi
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX

Anatomy Judgement Poverty
Any place I hang my head is home.
GROUCHO MARX

Hang Head Home One Liner Place
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX

Closer Holding Love One Liner Romance
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
GROUCHO MARX

Clothes Sex Sexy Triumphed Women
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Edition One Liner Writing
If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
GROUCHO MARX

Deviation Dirty Honor Liar Thief Writing Yourself
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX

Human Nature Humour Important One Liner Speak
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX

Humour Judge Jury Marriage One Liner
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX

Hear Memories Past Stop Story
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

Father Funny Humour Plastic Surgeon Surgeon Women
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX

Animal Black Cat Cross Funny Humour Path
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX

Demotivate Idiot Insult Life Stupidity
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX

Angry Funny One Liner Towel
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX

Dead Funny Man One Liner Stop Watch
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX

Calm Deep Despair Laughter One Liner Peace
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
GROUCHO MARX

Education Love One Liner Reading
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Insult One Liner Remind Talk Time

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