I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
GROUCHO MARXDo you mind if I don’t smoke?
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX -
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
GROUCHO MARX -
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
GROUCHO MARX -
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX -
Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
GROUCHO MARX -
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX -
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX -
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX -
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX -
Any place I hang my head is home.
GROUCHO MARX -
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX -
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
GROUCHO MARX -
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
GROUCHO MARX -
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX -
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX -
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX -
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX -
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX -
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX -
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX -
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX -
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
GROUCHO MARX -
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX