Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
GROUCHO MARXRoom service? Send up a larger room.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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All geniuses die young.
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I only write first editions.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX