“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.

There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

If this be treason, make the most of it!

It’s funny: I don’t listen to too much rap. I don’t listen to too much older hip-hop. If I do, it’s Ja Rule.

It was funny if you looked at it right quick, but it got pitiful if you thought about it awhile.

I find very often that very ugly women have really handsome men and vice versa because they don’t have any competition. Sometimes handsome men have avoided me.

It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.