I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARXThe trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX -
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
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I only write first editions.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX