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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

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We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
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Humour Meet Night Own Theater
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Army Contradiction Intelligence Military One Liner
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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Freedom Money Thinking
Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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Attitude Down Human Nature Myself Pick
Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Love Man Romance Room
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Almony Dead Divorce Funny Horse Pay
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Edition One Liner Writing
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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Clothes Sex Sexy Triumphed Women
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX

Choose Happiness Misery Money
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX

Enough Learning Mistake Yourself
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX

Fly Love Money Reality Truth
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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Exitement Fun Life One Liner Travel Wrong
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
GROUCHO MARX

Book Fools Trouble Writing Yourself
We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
GROUCHO MARX

Drunk Febuary Morning
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Army Justice Military Music One Liner
In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARX

Education Heart Heart Beat Listen Metabolism Study
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
GROUCHO MARX

Event Eyes Happiness Inspirational Morning Myself Power Present Unhappiness
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

Father Funny Humour Plastic Surgeon Surgeon Women
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX

Anatomy Judgement Poverty
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX

Hear Memories Past Stop Story
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
GROUCHO MARX

Applesauce Cranberry Taste
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX

Birthday Live Old Problem
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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Animal Black Cat Cross Funny Humour Path
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Girlfriend Meet Naughty Wife
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Dead Funny Man One Liner Stop Watch
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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Control Fate Fortune Life Man Women
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX

Cause Chief Divorce Marriage One Liner

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