Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARXI only write first editions.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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I only write first editions.
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Time wounds all heels.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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Humour is reason gone mad.
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX