Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
GROUCHO MARXGetting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
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I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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I must admit, I was born at an early age.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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All geniuses die young.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Humour is reason gone mad.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
GROUCHO MARX