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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX

Cause Chief Divorce Marriage One Liner

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She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

Father Funny Humour Plastic Surgeon Surgeon Women
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
GROUCHO MARX

Comedy Funny Humour Nickle Pocket
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
GROUCHO MARX

Billion Birthday Cells Life One Liner
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX

Man One Liner Success Victory Wife Woman
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
GROUCHO MARX

Deal Fake Honesty Humour Life Secret
We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
GROUCHO MARX

Drunk Febuary Morning
I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
GROUCHO MARX

Dreamss Hairs Nurse Red Romance
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
GROUCHO MARX

Arrive Dead Future Happiness Inspirational Life Past Present
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
GROUCHO MARX

Event Eyes Happiness Inspirational Morning Myself Power Present Unhappiness
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX

Die Halfway Heaven One Liner West
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

Best Friend Book Darkness Dog Friendship Read
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX

Closer Holding Love One Liner Romance
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Love Man Myself
Any place I hang my head is home.
GROUCHO MARX

Hang Head Home One Liner Place
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
GROUCHO MARX

Book Comfortable Dog Goodness Peace Woman
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX

Fly Love Money Reality Truth
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
GROUCHO MARX

Doubt Interfere Marriage People Romance Sex Wife
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
GROUCHO MARX

Cigar Love Mouth Relationship
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX

Lucky Person Pool Swimming Underwater
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX

Beat Confidence Goodness Head Mind Revenge War
Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Down Human Nature Myself Pick
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
GROUCHO MARX

Advance Luck One Liner Welcome Women
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
GROUCHO MARX

Art Humour Water
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX

Exitement Fun Life One Liner Travel Wrong
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX

Demotivate Idiot Insult Life Stupidity
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX

Angry Funny One Liner Towel

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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