“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

Time wounds all heels.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake.

Eat to live, don’t live to eat.

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Look like barbie, Smoke like marley.