“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

Trips to the dentist-I like to postpone that kind of thing.

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy.

Room service? Send up a larger room.