“All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.”

I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.

A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

The greatest ideas, the most profound thoughts, and the most beautiful poetry are born from the womb of silence.

If men found out how to give birth to children they’ll never propose again.

Some are born to sweet delight, Some are born to endless night.

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.

And better had they ne’er been born, Who read to doubt, or read to scorn.

Where were you born?” “On a battlefield,” [Yossarian] answered. “No, no. In what state were you born?” “In a state of innocence.

The softest breeze to fairest flowers gives birth: Think not that Prudence dwells in dark abodes, She scans the future with the eye of gods.

He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence.