I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARXAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX -
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX -
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX -
We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
GROUCHO MARX -
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX -
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX -
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX -
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
GROUCHO MARX -
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX -
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX -
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX -
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX -
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX -
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
GROUCHO MARX -
Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
GROUCHO MARX -
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX -
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX -
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
GROUCHO MARX