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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX

Crazy Decent Life Meal Place Reality
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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Beat Confidence Goodness Head Mind Revenge War
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Feeling Man Naughty One Liner Sex Woman
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
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Closer Holding Love One Liner Romance
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX

Admit Age Born Early Life
We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
GROUCHO MARX

Humour Meet Night Own Theater
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Hero Heroine Tits
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX

Army Justice Military Music One Liner
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX

Lucky Person Pool Swimming Underwater
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Humour Mind Smoking
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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Best Friend Deep Failure One Liner Unhappy
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
GROUCHO MARX

Deal Fake Honesty Humour Life Secret
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX

Die Halfway Heaven One Liner West
I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

Club Freedom Member
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Leadership Man Women
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

Best Friend Book Darkness Dog Friendship Read
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Confidence
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX

Children Fetch Funny Understand
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX

Enough Learning Mistake Yourself
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
GROUCHO MARX

Book Fools Trouble Writing Yourself
Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
GROUCHO MARX

Interest Naked Sex True
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX

Control Fate Fortune Life Man Women
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX

Hear Memories Past Stop Story
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX

Die Forever Inspirational One Liner Positive Try
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX

Calm Deep Despair Laughter One Liner Peace
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX

Arrow Banana Fly Fruit Time
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
GROUCHO MARX

Doubt Interfere Marriage People Romance Sex Wife

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