“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.

I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.

I get a kick out of people saying I was funny.

I could have sexual chemistry with vinegar.

I know I’m pretty, but I ain’t as pretty as a couple of titties.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Balding if God’s way of showing you are only human… He takes the hair off your head and puts it in your ears.

Sometimes, I must admit, I’d like to have a second guitarist onstage with me, but it wouldn’t look right. I’d like to play for another 20 years, but I don’t know. I just can’t see it happening. I don’t know why. It’s a certain foreboding. A funny feeling. Vultures.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?