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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.

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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Any place I hang my head is home.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
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Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
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I must admit, I was born at an early age.
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All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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