If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARXPaying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
GROUCHO MARX -
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX -
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
GROUCHO MARX -
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
GROUCHO MARX -
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX -
In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARX -
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
GROUCHO MARX -
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.
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Time wounds all heels.
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I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
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Whatever it is, I’m against it.
GROUCHO MARX