Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARXIf you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
GROUCHO MARX -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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I must admit, I was born at an early age.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
GROUCHO MARX -
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX -
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX -
I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX -
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
GROUCHO MARX -
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
GROUCHO MARX -
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX -
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX