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Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX

Calm Deep Despair Laughter One Liner Peace
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
GROUCHO MARX

Bore Hole Insult Run
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Hospital Humour Parked Run Taxi
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX

Attitude Edition One Liner Writing
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX

Enough Inspirational Mistake Yourself
Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX

Poverty State Work
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX

Arrow Banana Fly Fruit Time
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Humour Mind Smoking
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX

Lucky Person Pool Swimming Underwater
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX

Demotivate Idiot Insult Life Stupidity
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
GROUCHO MARX

Book Education Humour Read Room Television
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Leadership Man Women
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX

Almony Dead Divorce Funny Horse Pay
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
GROUCHO MARX

Doubt Interfere Marriage People Romance Sex Wife
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX

Dead Funny Man One Liner Stop Watch
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX

Die Halfway Heaven One Liner West
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
GROUCHO MARX

Equality Freedom Prejudices
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX

Funny Girlfriend Meet Naughty Wife
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
GROUCHO MARX

Advance Luck One Liner Welcome Women
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

Father Funny Humour Plastic Surgeon Surgeon Women
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARX

Admit Age Born Early Life
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX

Man One Liner Success Victory Wife Woman
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX

Beat Confidence Goodness Head Mind Revenge War
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX

Lucky Person Pool Swimming Underwater
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
GROUCHO MARX

Cause Chief Divorce Marriage One Liner
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
GROUCHO MARX

Freedom Money Thinking
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX

Crazy Decent Life Meal Place Reality

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