“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

All geniuses die young.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

You shouldn’t care what other people think. Love yourself for who you are.

It is always possible to do a thing better the second time.

I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

You don’t have to have a reason to feel good, you’re alive; you can feel good for no reason at all!

Dare to think for yourself.

They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.

Everyone looks at your watch and it represents who you are, your values and your personal style.

The only thing more contagious than a good attitude is a bad one.