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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Time wounds all heels.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Book Education Humour Read Room Television
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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Deal Fake Honesty Humour Life Secret
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
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