“My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.”

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

self-pity is better than none.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Always try to learn from other people’s mistakes, not your own- it is much cheaper that way!

Buying cheap to save money is like stopping the clock to save time. Neither works.

Do you know how expensive it is to look this cheap?

We live in an age when it is cheaper to buy the rights to movies than to make them.

Freedom has cost too much blood and agony to be relinquished at the cheap price of rhetoric.

Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is elephant.

When art critics get together they talk about Form and Structure and Meaning. When artists get together they talk about where you can buy cheap turpentine.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.