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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

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Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Afford All Children Move Them Thing Want
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Finish Half Hour Last Minute
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Hat On Screw Wrinkle
All mothers are working mothers.
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All Mother Working
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Come Have May Live Onion Ought Side So Sport
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Bachelor Guy Made Mistake Once Some
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Ask Country Once Out People Player Room
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Beaten Before Him Husband Lick Mixer Want
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Beauty Day Fourteen Give never Plan Ten Up Year
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Constant Difference Other Same Song Technology Thought Wine Year
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Beuty Estimate Hour Seven Shop Spent
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Aligator Barefoot Compliment Know Shoe Someone
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Comedy Revisited Tragedy
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Best Eat Getmrid Kitchen Odor Out Way
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Dog Every Go Howl Near Stove Time
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Ask Country Football Good Hairdresser Helmet Look People Person Say
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Bedroom Dead Nickname Nothing Happen Sea Waterbed
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson

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