Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER