A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER