Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER