My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER