There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER