I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER