Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER