The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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