I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER