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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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