What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER