You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER