There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER