All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER