You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER