A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER