I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER