Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER