“I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

All mothers are working mothers.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Hold everybody accountable? Ridiculous!

If I say I like one person, that means everybody that voted for the other person doesn’t like me. So, why would I do that?

Talent is talent, and everybody knows somebody who has talent or ability, but they never really converted it into a productive performance for whatever reasons.

For heaven’s sake, when you see the enemy attacking, you pick up the pitchfork, and you enlist everybody you see.

I think a lot of times you have to face your fears. I think everybody has to face their fears.

Everybody from the Big Ten is going to play the ACC. Everybody from the Big East is going to play the Pac-10.

We create a standard for how we want to do things, and everybody’s got to buy into that standard or you really can’t have any team chemistry.

I don’t know if I’m different from everybody else, but there’s really only two things to me that are really, really important – recruiting good players in the program and developing those players once they get here.