A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER