They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER