The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER