I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER