My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER