I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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