Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER