The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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