The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER