Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERA passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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