Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER