My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER