They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER