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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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