I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER