“Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

What we have is a gift from Him. What we do with what we have is our gift to him

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.

Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.

When doing everything according to indications, although things may not turn out agreeably to indication, we should not change to another while the original appearances remain.

Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.

I really don’t like the gym. I like experiences, so I take any chance I get to go on a bicycle or on a hike.

The Christian faith begins not with a big DO but with a big DONE.

Am I going to get my warts removed? I might do, but I’m certainly not going to auction them on the Internet.