Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER