“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I did not want to spend the rest of my life not being able to ride in a nice car.

Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.

When I’m by myself, I’m really cool and nice to everyone, but then the whole paparazzi thing? If you see me with my kids, I change.

The absolute worst thing a person can say about your pictures is, ‘”That’s nice.” It’s the kiss of death.

As ever admit it; and I do believe that if we busted out and admitted it sometimes, instead of being nice and patient and loyal for sixty years, and then nice and patient and dead for the rest of eternity, why, maybe, possibly, we might make life more fun.

It’s nice to know there’s a big world with many perspectives. I tend to get so stuck in my own small world easily, and going out into the world reminds me that I’m not the center of the world – in a good way.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

A bedroom is just as nice as whoever sleeps in it with you.