You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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