My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER