You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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