My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER