I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER